Today marks 6 months since my dad died, it only seemed fitting to write a post in reflection upon God's wonderful goodness to me and my family over the past year and a half.
The blessings began when I moved home. When I left Grand Rapids, I was a new believer, someone who was only beginning to grasp what it meant to follow Christ. I came back with a stronger relationship to Christ which in turn helped me to be able to witness, though imperfectly, to my parents. Through moving home so many blessings that I couldn't see that first summer were to follow.
It all started in March of 2011, I was working at a nursing home as a CNA pushing my residents down to a St. Patrick's Day celebration when I got a text from my mom saying, "We were just in the ER, your dad has lesions on his pelvis and he has an appointment with a specialist on Monday morning." Instantly I went into panic mode. What did this mean for my dad? For my family? For me? For my family that I had grown to know and love so much in Lansing? Did this mean I would have to leave the place I now called home for the past 2.5 years? It did mean big changes, it meant moving home with out a job initially, trusting God to provide, and praying I could minister to my family through this hard time. Did I mention it meant many patient and loving people who supported me even when they probably wanted to give up or get some sleep?
Soon after moving home, within days, I found a job at a local pizza place...though a job I was thankful for, it was far away and didn't exactly pay the small amount of bills I had piled up at University. This meant finding better employment, which I did, I found a job by God's wonderful provision at a childcare center and this in turn grew my love for children. I soon found myself loving working with children and I wanted to now pursue a degree in Child Development.
Last January I began studying child development at GRCC and I wasn't sure what this would look like in the future. Here I am 8 months later almost finished with the program and working for the second best preschool program that Grand Rapids has to offer, what a blessing. In 8 weeks I will be able to say that I have finally finished at least one degree! :)
Through all of this I was living with my parents at 24, not something I had ever envisioned. I was often discontent, troubled, conflicted, and ungrateful, yet a steward God chose to use in the lives of my parents. Many days I had a bitter spirit one that would argue or become easily frustrated. Despite all of this, through out my dad's battle with cancer he grew to have a softer heart and our relationship changed. He started volunteering, before he never would have dreamed of working for no money! He started spending his time biking, volunteering, meeting up with old friends and spending time at home with us. Life was busy and often he would be home alone during the day, but he always had the house to fall back on and still continued to go through with the remodel of our home. He had plans ready to finish, called in people to finish the job sooner, refinanced the house for my mom's sake, made sure she was going to be stable if anything happened to him and kept living his life.
Fast forward to last January, my dad was finally in a form of "remission," the cancer had stopped growing and things were really looking up, yet realistically we knew that it wouldn't always stay this way. By February his cancer had become metastatic (fast growing) and it attacked his entire body rapidly. We spent many days in the ER and at the hospital.
The last time we were in the ER was perhaps one of the scariest moments of my life, it was midnight and I heard a loud thump come from their room. I shot out of bed (it was a Friday night) and immediately went into his room to see what had happened. I turned on the light and my mom was holding his body onto the bed while his eyes continued to roll into the back of his head, I went downstairs and called 911. On the phone I gave them the overview of his condition and within minutes they were at our house. We called my brother to have him meet us at the hospital. They wouldn't allow us to see him for about 30 minutes, this seemed like hours. As we sat and waited each nurse or doctor that came out we expected to talk to. Eventually they let us back to see him and he was acting fine again, happy, yet you could tell the strength was leaving his body.
Soon after this he was admitted to Faith Hospice. We enjoyed one last night of laughs with him on Monday evening, which was also the day he told my Uncle Ross that he had Jesus in his heart. Perhaps the one thing that makes me cry most now is the fact that God had claimed my dad's spirit in his last moments of life. I never believed it was possible, I thought I had done it all wrong, I thought my witness had failed, I never saw the day my dad would love Jesus. As God's servant in my sin I doubted God's ability to break into my dad's heart and redeem him and relied heavily on my works or what I had done. Reality is God saves souls, He only divinely chooses to use us by His infinite grace. By Wednesday the last words that he spoke were to me, I told him I loved him and he said, "I love you too."
By Sunday two of my friends who have become family over the past 10 years, my brother, my mom and my aunt (my dad's sister) were all in the room while the Tigers were playing and he breathed his last. God had finally called him to his eternal home, it was as if the fight had left and peace came over his body. I still remember the nurse who came in and watching the hands on her watch tick for a full minute before she pronounced him dead.
I'm not going to pretend the last 6 months since his passing have been all roses and butterflies. What I can say is that we serve a faithful and mighty God who cares for our inmost being and will surround us in his peace even when it seems like the world is crashing down around us. When my dad died, my relationship that I felt was weakening with Christ was only strengthened. God has shown me that as His servant it is my duty to share the gospel, to trust in His saving work in the lives around me and to be a faithful servant to Him even when I don't feel like it. God has shown me more of what it looks like to be His daughter, dearly loved and cherished, the one He constantly pursues even in my moments of doubt. I have also come to see the sovereignty of God and His willingness to never give up on pursuing me. God is good and His purposes are meant for the betterment of His people.
I can firmly rest assured that as Romans 8:28 says, "And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose." God's purposes aren't always clear in the beginning, but as He continues to reveal Himself to you, you will become more sanctified and more blessed by His faithful goodness and love.
As children of God we can firmly say that He will never bring pointless trials or meaningless sufferings even when we can't see the good within the bad that happens all around us. I don't claim to have it all right, God has just been teaching and showing me the way through His grace.
We serve a mighty God!
Thank you to all of the friends and family who have never given up on me through out all of this, but have continually pointed me to Christ and strengthened my walk with God.
